1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
