i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
