TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
