I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
