I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
