I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
