It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
we're so committed to being not committed
Randomize
