You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
where are you?
Hypothermia
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
