1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
