She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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