We won't sleep together?
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Is Oprah even human
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
