you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
this just has baby written all over it
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
