Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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