i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
