i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
