Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
