Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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