You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
