Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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