I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
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