you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
