new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
My Sexting was not on an AP level
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
