dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize