Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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