Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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