whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I have post one night stand depression
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize