I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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