dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
