Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Vodka?
Forever.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
