I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
