Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
