Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
