nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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