If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
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