Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
