know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize