I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
