What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
