pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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