I faked an abortion last night.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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