i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
