Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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