Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Randomize
