The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
