you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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