my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
