The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
