i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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