you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
