Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
