May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
