My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
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