My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
