I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
