I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
