Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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