if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Do vagina's smell?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
