nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Randomize
