why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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