I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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