We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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