Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
