My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
