She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
