i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I think people are normalizing furries
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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