Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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