you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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