Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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