For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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