I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
